Cullen Cooking 101
by Natalia Mazaur
Summary: Bella finds that baking with your vampire family doesn't always go smoothly. Post-Twilight, Pre-New Moon fluff.


**Author's Note: Okay guys, I know that I really suck. I meant to put out this story _weeks_ ago, but stuff just kept coming up. My computer broke, so I had to replace it, and then the Wi-Fi in my house stopped working. So I haven't been able to put out any new stories. But here it is! A fluffy little fic for you!**

**Disclaimer: I am not Stephenie Meyer, and I do not own Twilight. All rights go to the proper owners.**

"Um, Edward?" I whispered.

"Yes, love?" He whispered back.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm not quite sure anymore."

The Cullen's kitchen looked as though an atomic bomb had gone off in it. There was flour on the floor, utensils spilled over the counter tops, food ingredients everywhere, and was that _egg yolks staining the ceiling?_

"What _happened_?" I breathed, completely shocked, and a little scared, to be honest.

Edward grumbled and threw down the spatula he was holding and faced me. "Well, we were actually trying to cook for you, Bella."

"Me?" I squeaked. He nodded. I stepped farther into the room, trying to side-step the messes on the floor with my bulky cast getting in the way. I reached Edward and wrapped my arms around his granite waist, and he rested his chin on the top of my head.

"I wouldn't have wanted you to destroy your kitchen, Edward."

"I know. I just wanted to do something nice for you," he sighed.

I would have been happy just to hold Edward all day - even though he was covered in flour and batter - but a thought occured to me.

I pulled back to look into his ocher eyes. "Wait a minute, did you say '_we_ were trying to cook for you'? Others were helping you?" Edward grumbled something too low for me to hear, but he nodded his head. I was about to question him more when Emmett bounded into the kitchen.

"Hey Edward, I got that fire-extinguisher that you needed - oh, hey Bella!" He finally noticed me and waved enthusiastically. Ever since I had gotten back from my near-deadly event in Phoenix, Emmett and I had really bonded. I loved his silly care-free attitude, and he told me on many occations that I was the little sister he always wished he'd had. That always made my insides warm.

I reared back to look Edward square in his face. "_Fire extinguisher?_" I crowed, horrified. This was getting scarier by the second.

Edward glared at Emmett before looking back at me. "It was just a precaution, love. Our tries at cooking haven't been very . . . successful," he grimaced.

"_Successful_? We nearly blew-up the kitchen! If Jasper hadn't pulled the cake out of the oven when he did, _we would have!_" All of Alice's 4'11" body stormed into the room, her voice shrill. I noticed white specks in her jet-black pixie cut, and I frowned. She stomped up - which really just looked like dancing - to stand in front of me, and drew me into a hug.

"Hi, Bella."

"Uh, hi. Are you mad at me or something?" I was genuinely worried now.

Alice frowned now. "No, I would never be mad at you. You're my very best friend, my sister." She smiled, and I couldn't help grinning back at her, even as I was truly confused.

Then Alice's eyes shifted to look over my shoulder at Edward, and her expression turned deadly.

"_You_, however, are on my black list," she hissed at him, baring her perfect white teeth. She looked, for all intents and purposes, like a vampire and it was terrifying. I gulped and took an involuntary step back.

Emmett snickered, sending vibrations through the foundation of the house, and said, "Better watch out there, Edward. Tinker-bell is going to get you."

Alice wheeled around to face Emmett, her movements so fast they blurred. "Don't think for a moment that _you_ aren't on my list, too!" She snarled. Her tiny hands had balled up into fists, and I knew they could do just as much damage as Emmett's beefy claws.

"_You're_ the one that started the damnable fight!" She took a menacing step towards Em.

He raised his hands up in defeat. "Hey, Edward was the one who said he would always be one step ahead of my thoughts! It' not my fault he wasn't paying attention."

"So you had to throw the whole bag of flour at him?" She screeched, and I turned to look at Edward, shocked. I guess that would explain why he was covered in white powder, at least. Edward caught my incredulous stare and only shrugged, as if this were a normal occurence.

"Again, it's not my fault Edward didn't see what I thought before it happened. Guess he was too distracted by thinking of Bella's chest yesterday," he teased, and my face flamed tomato red. Edward and I had gotten caught in the rain yesterday in the school parking lot, and by the time we'd gotten to my car, my white t-shirt had been plastered to my torso. I'd seen Edward stare at my almost-naked chest, only covered by the extra layer my bra provided. He'd quickly averted his eyes, but I'd seen him look. It had pleased me immensely, but I hadn't known Emmett had seen that.

Edward snarled at his brother's crass remark, and I thought they were about to battle again. Alice stepped between them and glared at Edward.

"Don't think you're so innocent, Edward. You threw _all the eggs at him_!" I guess that would explain the eggs on the ceiling. Sort of.

Edward started to defend himself, but Emmett started talking too, and after a moment Alice was yelling over both of them. In a matter of seconds, the entire room was filled with screaming as everyone fought. I clamped my hands over my ears, their piercing voices hurting my human ears.

Suddenly the tension disappeared from me, and everyone quieted down. I glanced up, surprised at the sudden calmness, and Jasper was leaning in the doorway. He had used his powers to get everyone to relax.

I straightened up and smiled gratefully at Jasper. He looked at me and grinned back before striding into the room and wrapping his arms around Alice's petite waist.

"Relax, darlin'. There's no need to upset," he tried to console Alice.

"Relax? _Relax_? They threw sugar _in my hair_!" She was working herself up even through Jasper's calmness.

"And then they spilled vanilla extract all over my purple cashmiere sweater!" She wailed.

"That was an accident!" Em's voice thundered.

"Liar!"

"Pixie!" Emmett shouted.

Jasper snarled and tensed up at hearing him call his wife that. Em puffed up too, accepting Jazz's threat.

"_Enough!_"

Everyone actually quieted when I shouted out my demand. When everyone's eyes landed on me, my sudden bravdo washed out of me in an instant, leaving me sheepish.

Jasper spoke up, saving me from my embarrassment. "No, she's right, we're acting like children."

I tried to get back the confidence I needed, and then I stared everyone down.

"Look, no one is on trial here. Just tell me, calmly and rationally, _what happened_." Edward sighed and took hold of my hand before speaking.

"I had nothing to do while you were at work, and I knew that when you got here you would be hungry. So I figured I'd try and make you a cake." This didn't seem too bad yet.

He continued. "So I was reading the ingredients when Emmett came in, and he said that he wanted to help. His thoughts didn't show any kind of trouble, so I agreed."

Emmett looked like a little boy with his hand caught in the cookie-jar.

"After a few minutes, Alice came down and said she was going to help. Emmett and I weren't getting anywhere making it by ourselves, so we said she could," Edward explained, glancing at Alice, slightly unnerved at her calmness. Jasper must have been tranquilizing her.

"Without too much stress, we finally had the cake batter done. Then, as I was innocently sliding the cake into the oven, Emmett felt the need to throw a bag of flour at me. I wasn't paying attention to his thoughts, so I couldn't dodge it in time."

I did kind of wonder what Edward was thinking of that had him so distracted that he didn't pick up on Emmett's childish mind. Could it have really been me . . .? I blushed.

Edward ran his hand through his flour-encrusted hair and kept explaining. "So I flung the carton of eggs back at him, which resulted in this ridiculous mess."

"Which resulted in getting sugar in my hair and vanilla on my shirt!" Alice cut in, her tawny eyes blazing.

Emmett chortled. "But wasn't it great? I never knew how useful human food was for fighting. Could you imagine if we used _our_ kind of dinner in a food fight?"

I briefly considered the idea of Edward and Emmett throwing mountian lions and grizzly bears at each other, and shuddered at the thought. Jasper looked intrigued by the thought, and Edward just rolled his eyes.

"What happened to the cake that you already made?"

Edward looked sheepish. "Well, as we were fighting and throwing food, we kind of forgot that the cake was still in the oven. By the time we stopped bickering, the cake was on fire."

"_What?_" I gasped, and suddenly the need for a fire extinguisher didn't seem so ridiculous.

"It wasn't actually on _fire_, Edward, and besides, Jasper pulled it out in time," Alice said before snuggling into Jasper's arms.

"Okay, where is the cake now?"

Everyone's eyes went to the trash can sitting innocently in the corner. I hobbled over to it and pulled back the lid.

_That_ was once a _cake_? It looked like a burnt piece of charcoal. If they hadn't told me it was food, I would have thought is was simply ashes.

"Are you guys done trying to cook for today? Are you done?" I inquired, glancing at everybody.

Edward shook his head and looked remorseful. "No, we aren't. I still haven't made you something to eat."

"It's okay Edward, I _can_ actually feed myself. Or do I need to show you how I hunt again?" I teased, thinking back to our silly conversation on the morning after he took me to the meadow.

Emmett glanced at us, his eyebrows climbing high up on his forehead in surprise. "Bella can hunt? No shit?" He laughed.

I rolled my eyes. Sometimes Emmett could be really dense.

"Well, then why don't I help you cook? I think it would be smart that the one person who actually _does_ eat should help out, right?" I asked, and glanced at Edward. He seemed skeptical.

Alice's eyes unfocused for a moment, signalling that she was having a vision, and then she smiled. "Don't worry Edward, I can't see her hurting herself."

"What, you thought I would stab myself or something?"

"Only you could manage that, love," Edward replied smoothly, placing a kiss on my hand. I rolled my eyes and pulled my hand away, which thankfully wasn't shaking from the touch of his lips.

"All right, I'm cooking too. For starters, what kind of cake were you guys trying to make?" I honestly couldn't tell from that blob in the trash can.

Edward picked up an expensive looking cook-book from the counter top, and swept his golden eyes over the page. "It is a devil's food cake with a chocolate custard filling and fudge frosting."

Damn. If that didn't clog someone's arteries, I didn't know what would.

"Have you ever made one?" Alice asked, raising a pitch black eyebrow.

"Um, no. But all we have to do is read the ingredients." I took the book from Edward's hands and looked over the recipe. Seemed easy enough.

"All right. First, do we have everything that we need to make this again? Or did you guys use it all in the food war?"

"Yes, we still have everything," Alice promised.

I didn't really believe them, seeing as they only had the basics in the kitchen that they never used, and those said basics were strewn all around the room.

"Do you have baking soda?"

"Yes," Edward stated confidently.

"Butter?"

He nodded.

"Flour?" I teased, knowing the answer.

Edward rolled his eyes and gestured to his body. "Obviously."

I smirked and pulled out the heavy artillary. "Unsweetened cocoa such as Hershey's but _not_ the dutch-processed kind?"

Edward blinked and looked like he had been run over by a steam-roller. "No."

I smiled and grabbed his hand. "Come on, let's go to the Thriftway. We need some other stuff for the custard filling and the fudge." And with that, we set off to the garage with Alice, Emmett and Jasper following us.

Edward supported most of my weight as I stumbled to the Volvo, trying to keep the pressure off of my broken leg. He helped me into the car and shut the door softly behind me. Before I couldn't blink, he was sitting in the driver's seat and was smoothly pulling out of the drive-way. I glanced into the backseat, and Emmett, Jasper and Alice were all sitting back there, smiling at me.

"You guys don't have to tag along if you don't want to. I don't want you to waste your day on me," I mumbled, suddenly shy.

"Nonsense! We love spending time with you Bella," Alice said sweetly, leaning forward to rest her tiny hand on my shoulder.

"Yeah, you're a real hoot, Bells. I haven't laughed like you make me laugh in a _long_ time," he chuckled, amking my face flush crimson. Jasper rolled his eyes at his brother, then smiled at me and sent me a wave of calm. I smiled back at him thankfully.

The rest of the car ride to the store was relatively quiet except for Emmett's singing. He wasn't even singing to the radio, just a song in his head that Edward said "wouldn't leave him alone". I just sighed and shook my head.

When we arrived at the Thriftway, Edward picked me out of the car and slung me onto his back like he did when we went running, only this time he was walking at a human speed. I giggled as he bounced me on his back, almost feeling like I was riding a horse.

Edward glided through the front door and grabbed a grocery cart. He immediately started for the baking aisle, with me still on his back.

"Put me down, Edward, I can walk for myself," I said as I struggled to slid down his back without harming my leg.

Edward frowned. "Are you sure, love? I could just carry you."

I rolled my eyes at his innocent expression. "Yeah, I bet you would just _love_ that."

"You know me so well."

Emmett, Alice and Jasper caugh up with us then, and Emmett looked around.

"God, it _reeks_ in here," he announced loudly, his nose wrinkling up in distaste.

"Emmett!" Edward hissed, glancing around to make sure no one heard his idiotic statement.

"What? It's true! It's too bad you humans don't know what a juicy grizzly tastes like. Now _that_ is delicious," he murmured, looking like he was about to start drooling at any moment.

I stood up straight and stared them all down before raisong my voice. "Okay guys, if we want to get this done and get home as fast as we can, we have to divide the work. Alice, you go get the light brown sugar."

"Okay!" She giggled before dancing off for the item.

"Jasper, you go find more eggs and cornstarch." Jasper frowned after Alice, not wanting to be seperated from her, before complying and striding off.

I sighed and faced Emmett. "Em, you can get the confectioner's sugar." _Since you threw it in Alice's hair,_ I added mentally.

Emmett's hand snapped up to his forehead in a mock-salute before barking, "Yes ma'am!" He grinned and ran off, nearly mowing down a little girl who got in his way. He neatly dodged around her, and darted around a corner, going out of my line of sight.

I turned to face Edward, who was pinching the bridge of his nose and shaking his head. "I _told_ everyone that he would be a bad addition to our family back in 1935, but no one believed me," he complained, glaring after Emmett. I grinned and grabbed his hand, pulling him along to the flour. Edward sneered at the innocent bag of flour, and I had to fight back the laughter that was clawing up the back of my throat. A vampire who hates flour. It just didn't get anymore ridiculous than that.

After a few minutes of wandering around, trying to see if there was anything else that we needed, Alice came bounding up to us with Jasper right behind her.

"We have the brown sugar, eggs and cornstarch!" She declared, her slender arms full of the mentioned ingredients. She placed them delicately into the cart.

"Thanks guys. I think we're almost done here." I checked over the list once more, and saw that we had everything, except the confectioner's sugar.

"Does anyone know where Emmett is?"

Alice's eyes closed, and Edward tensed and snarled. Before I could ask what happened, I felt something creep up behind me.

"RAAAAHHHHH!"

Emmett's eye-piercing roar echoed through the Thriftway, making many people scream in alarm. I, however, couldn't really care because I was sprawled in Edward's arms from where he catched me. I apparently launched myself into the air in fright from Emmett's prank.

As I lay quivering in his arms, Edward screeched, "Are you _insane_? You could have given her a heart attack, or made her hurt her leg!"

Emmett was laughing so hard, I could have sworn I felt the foundation of the store shake. He had to stop before people started screaming "earthquake".

Edward continued his rant. "Why didn't you just pick up the Volvo and swing it around your head a few times? I think that wouldn't be quite as suspicious as a vampire howling in a grocery store!"

"No can do, my hormonal little brother. _You're_ the one that likes to pick up cars. In fact, wasn't that how Bella found out about us?" Emmett winked at me, and Alice and Jasper snickered. I was still a little too dazed to laugh.

"You're such an idiot," Edward grumbled, steadying me as I tried to stand up on my wobbly legs.

I could see people glancing around nervously, looking for the culprit of the sound. I'd almost feel bad for them if I didn't feel like punching Emmett so much. Stupid, pranking, vampire.

"Come on, we have everything we need for the cake. Let's just pay for this stuff and get out of here before you give everyone a fear-induced stroke." I started pushing the cart back towards the check-outs, which were at the other end of the store.

Suddenly the cart was immobile. I glanced up from my feet to see the back of Emmett's massive cranium as he sat in the cart with his legs crossed, much like a child would.

I simply didn't understand Emmett's line of thinking. I looked over helplessly at Edward, knowing he could tell me what in the _hell_ was wrong with his adopted brother, but Edward's face was blank as he slowly shook his head.

I tried to shove the cart to get it back in motion, but I might as well have been pushing against a wall. I huffed and tried another push. No luck.

"Good God Emmett, how much do you weigh?" I panted as I let go off the cart.

"Approximately 700 pounds."

"_What?_" I gasped, my eyes probably bulging out of my head like a goldfish. Alice and Jasper snickered quietly. Emmett was a gigantic person, sure, but _700 pounds_? If I had to have guessed by his physical appearence, I would have said somewhere around 300 pounds.

"What do you mean, _approximately_? Don't you know?"

Edward cut in before Emmett could. "Technically, no. We've never found a sale that could appropriately measure us without breaking. Our bodies solidify and almost actually turn into marble, hence the severe weight-gain. We may _look_ to be around 200 pounds, when in reality we actually weigh much, much more. So we've guessed that Emmett is around 700 pounds, give or take. Though everyone thinks he's much heavier."

Emmett rolled his eyes. "Well, _duh_. Of course I'm heavier than that! Have you seen these guns?" He asked as he extended his huge arm, and flexed the granite muscles there. His biceps were the size of bowling balls.

Edward rolled his eyes before glaring at Emmett, a definite signal for Em to get out of the cart.

Emmett grumbled as he began to stand up, muttering words I probably didn't need to know about.

"You know Edward, you can be a real pain. Sometimes I really wonder why Bella even puts up with your moody ass."

"I think the exact same thing. Regardless, get out of the damn cart," Edward said, his hands gripping the handle bar like he was about to dump Emmett on the floor.

I tried to stifle my giggle as Emmett stood off to the side, looking sullen. Edward pointedly ignored him and kept walking, pushing the now Emmett-empty cart to the cash registers.

When we stepped up to the register, a blond girl who looked to be a twenty year old glanced up at us with a bored expression before her eyes zeroed in on Edward.

As we were loaded our ingredients onto the counter, she greeted Edward way too warmly.

"Find everything you need in the store?" She purred as she fluttered her eye-lashes at him. I couldn't believe how oblivious she was. For God's sake, Edward had me plastered to the side of his body!

Edward didn't even glance up from unloading the cart. "Yes, of course." The girl seemed a little surprised by his curt reply, but of course, that didn't deterr her.

When Edward handed her his credit card, she leaned over more than necessary, flashing Edward with her ridiculous cleavage. I wanted to punch her in the throat.

She scanned his card and started loading the stuff into grocery bags, and each time she bent over to put something in a bag, she made sure Edward could get a clear view of her rear-end.

Before I could splatter her all over the walls, Emmett spoke up. "You know, you can't really take a hint, can you? You're a pretty girl, but the way you act makes you look like a harlot. The man that you are currently undressing in your mind obviously has a girlfriend, who is standing right in front of you. Maybe if you had more respect for yourself, you wouldn't throw yourself at men all the time, even when they don't want you."

Everyone had frozen completely during Emmett's unexpected smack-down. I was pretty sure my mouth was dragging on the floor by now. The girl seemed just as shocked.

She thrust the groceries into the cart, and handed Alice the reciept, her face furious. "Thank you for shopping at the Thriftway. Have a nice day," she spat out between clenched teeth, and I had to bite back the urge to laugh.

Edward wrapped his arm around my waist and helped me walk as Alice danced by us, pushing the cart with Jasper and Emmett trailing behind her.

When we reached the parking lot, I simply couldn't hold it in anymore.

"Emmett! You completely demolished that girl's pride!" I gasped out between my laughter, and to my surprise, Edward was laughing quietly too.

Emmett shrugged. "I didn't mean to, she just wouldn't lay off. Besides, if I let her ogle Edward any longer, you would have ripped her head off."

"What, you're a mind reader now, too?" I smirked, mock-glaring at Emmett.

"Damn it, you've found out my secret!" He growled at me before picking me out of Edward's arms and spinning me around in a hug.

I laughed against his chest. "Well, you know me. I find out about _all_ secrets," I winked at Edward, and he laughed at my joke.

Edward carried me in his arms back to the Volvo. "Let's get back to the house before you uncover any more information."

I smiled at him cheekily and kissed him on the nose before sitting down in the passenger's seat. I briefly heard Emmett grumble about me, "Always getting the shotgun". I acted like I didn't hear him.

When the streaky green blur of trees flying by the windows stopped, I knew we were already back at the huge white house. Maybe Edward should start delivering for Domino's pizza. He could completely put their motto, "If it's not delivered in under thirty minutes, you get the pizza free" to shame.

I was pulled out of my thoughts as Edward placed me down delicately on the tile floor of the kitchen where Emmett, Alice and Jasper were already waiting. Huh, I had completely missed that whole transition. Maybe I should stop day dreaming so much.

Blushing slightly, I cleared my throat and spoke to the vampires waiting patiently. "Who's ready to bake this thing?" I asked with too much enthusiasm, because Alice rolled her eyes and Emmett snorted.

Edward brushed the hair out of my face and glared at his siblings. "Yes, we're ready to cook, love," he said warmly, his eyes burning into mine. Then he shifted to face his family. "_You_ were the morons that wanted to help. Now you're going to help us."

"But without destroying the kitchen this time, okay?" I pleaded.

"Fine, but that's going to take all the fun out of it," Emmett grumbled, looking disgruntled. Everyone ignored him.

I started picking out the ingredients that were layed out on the counter, and glanced at them before giving orders.

I thrust a stick of butter at Alice and a cake pan. "Alice, I need you to butter the pan thoroughly. Don't leave any dry spots, or the cake will stick." She took the items from my hands and tried not to grimace as she applied the butter to the pan.

I turned to Jasper. "Jazz, I need you to put the cocoa powder into a bowl then slowly add hot water, then add cool water." He nodded and set off to his task.

"Emmett, I need you to sift two cups of cake flour." He seemed ecstatic to have control over the flour again, and Edward hissed in protest behind me. I turned to my seething boyfriend.

"He won't throw it at you again. _Will you, Emmett_?" I glared at him, and Em shook his head, his grin quickly disappearing.

"Okay, where's your mixer?" I asked, glancing around the pretty kitchen, not seeing any cooking utilites.

Edward darted into the pantry for a moment before sauntering back out with a massive piece of machinery in his arms.

I stared incredulously at it. "What is _that_?"

"I thought you said that you wanted the mixer?" Edward asked, his beautiful face confused.

"_That's_ the mixer?" This thing looked like it could mix batter, play music, wash your car, create world peace and fight crime all at once. It was very pretty, very big, and very _expensive._

"Why would you have this if you never eat?"

Edward placed it carefully on the counter and then plugged it in the electrical socket. "Well, for starters, we need to keep up appearences. In case anyone ever came over, they might wonder why our kitchen was empty of all food and cooking utensils," he said as he walked over to me and kissed the top of my head before continuing. "And also because now _you're_ here, and I want to be able to cook for you and make you comfortable," He finished, giving me a gentle hug.

Of course Emmett had to ruin our moment.

"Yeah, we gotta keep the weak human full!" Emmett laughed, and before he could say another word, I saw a flash of metal whizz by my face, and it connected with Emmett's skull with a resounding _crunch_.

Emmett snarled and kicked the twisted piece of metal - which was once a pot - away with his foot and pointed his meaty finger at Edward. "Now was that freakin' _necessary_?"

I glanced back at Edward, who had an innocent expression on his face. He looked positively angelic on the surface, but I knew my vampire love more than anyone else, so I could see the mischief dancing in his golden eyes.

His eyes darted towards Emmett, who was still growling. "I don't know what happened brother, it must have slipped from my hand," he said, then he turned to look at me, his face stretching into a grin. "Love, what's that old saying? 'Karma is a bitch'?"

Emmett snarled harder, and I could see the movement of his steely muscles flexing as he prepared to spring at Edward. Edward only smirked and tensed up, ready for his attack. I hobbled in between them before anyone moved.

"_Stop it_, both of you. You're acting like children! Now, do you want to make this damn cake or not?"

Edward relaxed and bowed his head. "Yes, you need to eat." I still didn't see why Pop Tarts weren't acceptible here.

I straightened my shoulders and spoke up, irritation pushing me through my self-consciousness. "Then you two need to stop this ridiculous bickering! Do you think Esme will be happy if you blow up her kitchen?" No one responded, but I took that as a yes.

"So lets just get this done, _and never do it again_," I said forcefully, and everyone nodded vigorously in agreement.

I turned back to the counter top and yanked my hair up into a pony-tail before digging into the cooking. The kitchen was my one place that I shined, due to years of cooking for Renee, and now Charlie.

I dumped the dry ingredients into the super-mixer, and then slowly added in the wet. Emmett looked puzzled at the food spinning in the bowl.

"Why don't you just dump all the stuff in there at the same time? It would be faster," he was about to stick his finger into the mixing bowl before I grabbed his hand.

"No! Don't. You'll end up breaking the mixer with your meaty paws," I glared, and he slowly pulled his arm back, still grinning. "And it's because you have to add the ingredients in when they're ready, otherwise the food will come out wrong." I finished, scrapping the residue off the sides of the metal bowl.

Emmett snorted. "That's stupid. Humans put _way_ too much effort into their food. Grizzlies are made perfectly, just the way they are."

"Good for you, Em, but humans can't exactly take down a grizzly with their bare hands like you can, and I think we need more then just blood to survive," I rolled my eyes and Emmett only laughed.

After ten more minutes of interrogations of what food tastes like and why I enjoy it, I slid the gooey cake batter into the oven, and all that was left for us to do was the fudge frosting. I put the sugar, water, and corn syrup into a sauce pan and put it over the stove. When the concoction was heated, I added the chocolate all at once and stirred until it was thick.

I stared down at the chocolatey mass and couldn't believe how much was there. That was way too much.

Confused, I glanced down at the cook book before giggling.

"What is it, love?" Edward asked, looking over my shoulder at the book to find what was so funny.

"Nothing, I just stupidly doubled the ingredients."

Edward rolled his tawny eyes and laughed. "Does the human need to have her weak eyes checked _already_?"

I slapped his marble chest and stuck my tongue out at him like a five year old. Edward only continued chuckling.

I was distracted by Edward, so I didn't see Emmett stick his finger into the frosting. Edward's snort was what tipped me off.

When I turned to Emmett, he was looking at his frosting-coated finger, his gaze intense and brooding. For once, I wished I had Edward's gift. At least then I could hope to understand what went on in Em's head.

He glanced up from his hand and smiled, his grin stretching across his face. "You know, I think I know what we can do with all this excess food," he said. But why did it have to sound so menacing?

Edward growled, but before he could speak, Alice cut in.

"Are you crazy? Jasper and I just cleaned the kitchen!" She squealed, her high voice indignant.

Before I could ask what he thought, I was suddenly splattered with frosting.

Emmett erupted into laughter, clutching his sides while I looked dumbly down at myself. My entire torso was now covered in sticky frosting.

Edward snarled viciously before launching himself onto Emmett. Em threw Edward off of him, only to shove him directly into the counter where all the ingredients went flying in all different directions. A cloud of baking powder blew into the air and the vanilla went splashing across the tile floor.

I wasn't sure when Jasper joined the fight, but suddenly he was on top of Edward, trying to pry him off of Em, while Emmett punched them both. Snarls and growls and hisses erupted in the kitchen, the sound bouncing off the walls and intensifying.

The bowl of frosting was snatched off the counter top, and then it was being flung all over the room, nothing being spared. The table and chairs, the walls, the refridgerator, the pantry, the _ceiling_, Alice and I, everything was coated in chocolate icing.

Alice pulled me away from the brawl on the floor and made sure I was unharmed. When she was assured that I was fine, she started shouting at the boys and slapping at them. They stopped and glanced up at the little woman standing in front of them, her hands on her hips and her face ferocious. They quickly lept to their feet but kept their eyes downcast, ashamed.

I studied them, and barely choked back my laughter. Jasper had cornstarch and sugar all over him, Emmett was drenched in eggs, and my poor Edward was - once again - covered in flour. And all three of them were dripping with fudge frosting.

I couldn't contain my giggles anymore, and once they broke from my lips, I couldn't stop. The brothers stared at me incredulously as I gasped for air from my laughter. Of course, Emmett started laughing with me, and soon everyone finally found the humor in the craziness.

Alice started wailing with laughter when she really looked at Jasper, and Jazz started snickering from the swell of emotions in the room. Emmett couldn't decide who he found more hysterical, Edward or me, so he just kept pointing at the both of us as he snorted. And Edward was just happy to see me happy.

Edward walked up to me and wrapped me in a big hug, resting his chin on the crown of my head as we chuckled together.

After a few hours, we found ourselves in the Cullen's massive living room, freshly clothed and relaxed on the soft chairs. This is how Esme and Carlisle found us when they entered the house from their hunt.

They greeted us politely before Esme's eyebrow lifted delicately in confusion while she sniffed the air. She disappeared into hallway, likely on her way to the kitchen.

My shoulders tensed. "We didn't clean up the kitchen!" I hissed at them, and Alice, Jasper, Emmett and Edward all - incredibly - paled even more than usual.

We all waited in quiet terror as Esme entered the kitchen. Her gasp was audible, even to me.

"_What happened in here?_" Esme demanded as she stormed into the living room, glaring at her children.

No one seemed to be able to speak so I spoke up, my voice sheepish. "Um, we were baking, and it got out of hand..." I trailed off, glancing at Esme. Her face was impassive. I picked up my plate that was resting in my lap and held it up for her inspection. It was a piece of the cake, frosting-less.

"We made a cake," I finished lamely.

Esme's expression remained stoic for another moment before she blew out an unnecessary breath of air and relaxed her face.

I smiled at her. "The cake is called Devil's Food Cake with chocolate custard."

She quirked her eyebrow once again. "And what do you call that fiasco in the kitchen?"

"Cullen Cooking 101, of course."

The room erupted into laughter.


End file.
